In the past two weeks, I’ve learned a very important lesson.
That we live and breathe within seconds of an intersection, a calamity, a joyous moment, a colossal change. That our past will always surface and that the truth will always come out. It’s amazing how you think you can live your life in parallel, two identities, two very different avenues, two quite different professions. But there’s always an association – because as a person, you’re one and the same. The words you say, the way you look and act – the investments you’ve made, the hard work and the mistakes – one overlaps with the other and then you’re given a choice to make.
A difficult one.
I’m sure you still don’t know what I’m talking about. The past two weeks have been very eye opening for me. I had to justify myself as writer of Romance, as a creator of stories and as a weaver of words. In a way, I was made to defend my work because of my other work. Which one do I love more? Which one am I willing to give up in the name of progress and recognition? They are so conflicting, that I needed to choose one over the other.
If you are this, if you want this, then you can’t be that.
Because the respect commanded by this is in direct conflict with that.
The funny thing is, there was never a choice. A career is something that you dedicate your life to. Every little success, ever little step forward is a testament to the hard work you’ve done for many, many years. A passion is a hobby. Although it fills you with so much joy, it is thankless. It is not a priority. It doesn’t feed your family or allow you to see the world, make many fruitful decisions. Make a difference. Impact lives.
In a way, I am saddened by this realization. That there never was choice.
That it was always clear.
I can’t be this, if I want to be that.
Can you imagine my relief after decisions were made and I am now this? The that will have to fall to the wayside for now.
I want to be this. I deserve to be this. Let me give up that. For this.